Kingdom of Rust
by Toni Harrison
Summary: It's a few weeks since outside the hospital in Sympathy for the Devil. Dean's having a sleepless night and a hard time. Spoiler for 5.01 and all before. My first S/N fic. Please r/r.Story is complete. Thanks.


Title:Kingdom of Rust

Rating: T (I think – wasn't too sure due to the language)

Character: Dean mainly, mentions of Sam and passing mentions of other characters up to and including season 5.01 so spoilers contained.

Summary: 4 weeks after the scene at the end of Sympathy for the devil. Dean's having a bit of a time of it.

Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, I'm just having a little dabble.

A/N: This is my first ever Supernatural fic. Please do be honest with any feedback as I'll take it all on board and just a big thank you if you do take the time to read this. I'm from the UK so if I've got any spellings wrong, please let me know.

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I am the poster child of the word 'angst'. I am the 'Chick' in the Chick Flick moment. Hell, Oprah would have me taken away in seconds and have me dragged out the door quicker than you can say the words 'we are so screwed Sam'.

I can pinpoint the moment it all went wrong, not the whole bringing him back from the dead thing, not my going to hell, not even Ruby and the demon blood.

No, it was the moment I broke into his house in Stanford, the moment I brought it all crashing back into reality. This life we'd always lead which he'd managed to escape from. And there I was again destroying it all.

And now look at us. Look at me. On second thoughts, don't. Wow and ain't that pretty messed up for a start.

I keep thinking about what I said to him that night at the hospital,everything and on the one hand, I felt a sense of relief about what I was saying. For once I was being honest, but damn it's hard being honest when your legs feel like they'll give way at any moment.

And now, I'm all about avoiding the eyes, those stupid damn puppy dog eyes. There's a strong part of me that wants to get it back to how it was. Before. And here's where I get confused because though I know I pretty much messed up his whole future when I went to find him that day, I felt the most whole I ever had in my entire life. Me and my baby brother though no way any longer the baby or even a boy, no Sammy Winchester was turning into a fully fledged ginormatron geek man, hunting together and despite all the scary stuff around us, it felt good. Not that that's saying much I know.

I shoulda known though. Whatever I seem to have something in my life that gives me pleasure for even just one second it blows up in someone's face, if someone even willingly does something good for me, it hurts them. First Dad, then Sam, then Sam,Pamela, now Bobby, then Sam, then Sam over and over again till you get sick, well you get the picture.

Hell, even if someone hurts me and I'll take it, and I'll take it and I'll carry on taking it absorbing it like some massive blanket of cotton wool, it bites them in the ass every bit as much as me. And yet it took so long for me to figure this out. That no matter what I do, it's my destiny never to be happy and it's my destiny, my curse that no one I care about – dare I say it, love, will ever be truly happy unless I walk right on out of their lives. Or die. Whichever happens first.

There are times that I actually wish I'd succumbed to the Djinn, that I'd stayed in that fantasy world for ever. But then I know now, this tired beaten shell, that even in that world, it was inevitable that the house of cards would've fallen to pieces. Sam would've still lost Jess, Mom still would've died, Carmen - well she'd have probably gotten her head bitten off by a Vampire. You get the picture. For that time of happiness, everyone would've paid in spades. It's not even worth bothering or attempting to be happy any more.

I've come to realise what I knew, not even so deep down,all along and that's that the safest thing to do is retreat a little. Sure, in time I'll be able to look Sam in the eye again, I won't flinch when we're in a hunt and wonder whether he actually has my back or whether he's liable to want to kill me any time soon, we'll bitch and argue, we may even laugh, we'll carry on hunting Lucifer down, we'll beat off Zachariah with a thousand sticks and god willing and ain't that the biggest joke you ever heard, we'll carry on having Cas watching our backs.

But every night in every motel we stay in, or every night we're sleeping out hunting some crazy monster no child could ever imagine to be as scary as the real thing and I say good night to Sam, I'll go through the same routine of pretending to snore in a convincing way till I hear his soft snores and then I'll sit up keeping my eyes wide open clutching as many weapons to me as I can. It keeps the nightmares at bay, and man do I have enough nightmares to keep me going for a million and one lifetimes and this lifetime's been more than enough. It keeps him at bay in case he wakes up and I pinch myself and he's beating me down again and then this time I can wipe him out and me at the same time.

In my lighter moments I guess I think that it stops him waking up in the middle of the night deciding he's gotten tired of me all over again and walking away from me without a word.

Maybe though, maybe it'd be better if he left. Sure, I doubt we'd last long without each other. Divide definitely doesn't equal conquering, not now that Lucifer's on the scene.

But no, every single night passes by slowly, so slowly and every time my eyes betray me and beg for some rest and they shut, that's when I get the images. I see Sam, I see Ruby, I see Meg, I see Bobby, I don't see Dad so much any more – probably for the best I guess. I see Sam, I hear his words laced with scathing and contempt, I feel him and Alistair strangling me, I feel the weight of what feels a million hell hounds on me and for that 30 seconds or so that I'm fighting to wake again, I feel like I'm in Hell all over again and just as I convince myself I AM in Hell and I succumb to whatever will be, I wake up.

And it's like Ground hog Day: The Sequel. The NIGHT THAT NEVER ENDS. Every single night and I know that it'll be like this again tomorrow, me drinking so much red bull that the shakes in my legs will become so uncontrollable I don't think I'd do that bad a job impersonating Elvis Presley. Then going to some unnamed bar in some crappy town drinking some crappy beer to forget cos I can do that for a couple of hours at least maybe then flirting with some knock-out but it never going anywhere any more as who wants to get together with someone with no heart, no soul or at least one that's gotten so rusty around the edges. Then going back to the crappy hotel with stilted conversation and then yeah, here all over again.

And I'm just so tired and I want to bridge that gap we have so so bad so maybe I will. Yeah, maybe I will.

_My god, it takes an ocean of trust, it takes an effort it does. In the Kingdom of Rust._

_Kingdom of Rust – Doves 2009._

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Thanks again for reading. Hope it wasn't too bad. Please do review even if it's just a one liner.


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